My mom read my blog about being scared to adopt again. This isn’t news, she’s my mom, my biggest supporter, and she reads everything that I write. But she said to me, “Honey, if you want to adopt again, go for it. Leave it in God’s hands and He’ll take care of it.” Normally, I’d take this advice, but instead I spat back at her, “I left everything in God’s hands, and He let me get pregnant only to have it end in miscarriage. So I’m not sure how much leaving another adoption in His hands is going to work out for me.” She replied with, “That isn’t fair to say.” To which I said, “I don’t care. That’s how I feel right now.”
You know what’s not fair? Allowing me to get pregnant and not having it end in a live birth. That’s what’s really not fair. Me being mad at God is plenty fair. Whether this was His plan or not, or whether there’s a reason for it that I’ll learn later on, right now I honestly don’t care. I’m just pissed, and I think it’s warranted. I had a 1% chance of ever getting pregnant, and it happened but ended in a miscarriage. Is there anything that’s fair about that? Not in my eyes.
From a positive standpoint I can say – well, at least I got pregnant. I beat the odds, and if I did it once, it’s possible I could do it again…maybe? I do have a biological baby watching over me from heaven. I just wish I still had a biological baby growing inside of me.
From a negative standpoint I can say that could’ve been my last good egg left. That could’ve been my one and only chance to be pregnant, and it’s gone now. Also, what are the odds that I beat a 1% chance again?
But I don’t want to have that horrible feeling anymore when I’m waiting to get my period…waiting to see if it’ll come or not. And now I don’t think I can help it. I’m going to be obsessing over every little thing my body does, freaking out if I’m a day late, sobbing if/when I do get my period. I’d gotten over all of that, and now I have to deal with it all again. This stupid miscarriage just brought me back almost 2 years.
I wrote the above in one sitting. And then I taught 3rd grade. 3rd grade kids who are practicing music for their spring program which is based on the school theme and always includes Catholic/Christian music. One of the songs is called You Said. I included it in this program because it was one of my favorites from my campus fellowship days back in college.
The first verse – You said, “Ask and you will receive whatever you need.” You said, “Pray and I’ll hear from heaven, and I’ll heal your land.”
The refrain – You said, “Ask and I’ll give the nations to you” Oh Lord, that’s the cry of my heart.
The end – Oh Lord, I ask for the nations…
Wow. Talk about God speaking. I couldn’t process it fully when all of this was going through my head because I had to compose myself in order to teach, but in one day I went from beyond pissed at God to crying because I know His promise to keep me safe, give me a future, to prosper and not harm me. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Grief is weird. One minute I’m seemingly fine, the next minute I’m annoyed at everything having to do with pregnancy and people who are pregnant, the next minute I’m sobbing at some realization that maybe everything really does happen for a reason.
So, whatever my metaphorical “nations” may be, I’m asking for them. Oh Lord, I ask for the nations…