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Betrothed Babies Blog

Sometimes about babies, sometimes about us, always cathartic

Month

April 2017

Every year. 

As night falls over my minute backyard I sit here bawling. Silent and giant tears. Tears of panic and misery. Tears that feel indulgent and necessary.

Every year, just as I think I’m going to get through another April without the overwhelming pain of losing a parent too young, it hits me. Some years it takes until April 30, and some years, this one included, it hits a bit early.

I know it’s in large part because of the book I’m reading.

[spoiler ahead–but not one you wouldn’t know early on]

I loved Liane Moriarty’s Big Little Lies (and the subsequent HBO series by the same name), so as soon as completing that one I jumped into her The Husband’s Secret. I’ve had a harder time getting into it, but as nicer weather and the ability of reading outside became a reality, I slowly got into it between Keely’s bedtime and my own. I’m nearing the end and the pain of the characters have become my own. As one character mourns the premature loss of her daughter, I think of my own.

But I don’t give way to thoughts of losing Keely at a young age. That’s self-indulgent and too painful. I’ve pushed them as far away as possible. I have no experience in that. It’s unfathomable. It’s a construct of my imagination.

I do have experience in losing my dad at 13.   That is something real to me. It was 15 years ago, but the the pain can still be so completely tortuous at times. Even more so as I project that onto Keely and Derek.

I don’t know or have a reference point for losing your spouse. I only have the loss of a parent. That combined with a parent’s love, makes it so much worse than I ever thought. I take solice in the fact that Keely will never know the hardships I went through as an adolescent…but the reality is I don’t know that for a fact. What if something traumatic does happen to Derek? What if it happens to both of us? What can I say or do that makes it not hurt for her the way it did for me?

As dark has completely fallen on me and my thoughts (and fingers) have run free, I feel a bit better and a bit ridiculous. It is my deepest hope that Keely doesn’t experience losing a parent too young. I want to be jealous that her dad was there for high school, graduations, college, and getting married. I want to always be jealous of the very real bond the two of them share. It’s the good kind of jealous. I feel this jealousy constantly, but when I put it in the context of Keely, it feels right. It feels like what, as a mother, I should feel.

Never Underestimate the Power of a Good Nurse

I had heard some horror stories about giving birth. Many women don’t get the labor/birthing experience they want because of any number of factors…the hospital wants to speed things up, the doctors are pushing an epidural, c sections happen instead of natural births… The list goes on and has been different for different people. My birth plan was fairly simple – I wanted a natural delivery. I wasn’t sure about the epidural/any type of pain medication. And I wanted to be able to walk around.

You know who helped me stick with my birth plan? My labor and delivery nurse Lori. Continue reading “Never Underestimate the Power of a Good Nurse”

The End of Maternity Leave

Being away from your kids is hard. This isn’t news to anyone who is a parent. This probably also isn’t news to anyone who is not a parent either. But what they don’t tell you is that instead of getting easier with every child, it gets harder. And not just harder relative to the number of kids you have. No. It gets exponentially harder with each child.

I go back to work tomorrow, and I’m pretty sure I’ve cried every day this past week whenever I’ve thought about it. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my job, and I love where I work. It’s a supportive, positive atmosphere where I truly believe the staff really cares for one another. And you can’t have a much better job then making music with kids every day. Except for being a mom. Continue reading “The End of Maternity Leave”

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