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Betrothed Babies Blog

Sometimes about babies, sometimes about us, always cathartic

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She is Clothed with Strength and Dignity

I just finished a wonderful Bible study meeting I began a few weeks ago as something to help me in my spiritual growth. I figure since I’ve been working very hard on my physical being, I should also make sure to work on my mental, emotional, and spiritual well being. To be well rounded and strong in all elements of my life. To be the best me I can be. To be intentionally trying and working on all elements of my human being. I’m trying. I’m really, really, really trying. But, I have been having some high anxiety days lately. I mean like days I haven’t had in years. Where all I want to do is crawl into a hole and hibernate. Quit life for awhile until the anxiety passes. Get rid of something. Sleep for 10 years…or at least until Covid is over.

I told Nick that I wanted to be 8 or 108, because then my anxiety would be gone. Or at least lessened. Because at 8, everyone else is worried for you and you’re just having fun, and at 108 you’re either dead and the anxiety is also gone, or you’ve lived a great, long life, and you don’t worry either.

Now, I recognize these are not viable options. They are not realistic. They are not helpful. They are not “being the best me”. And they’re also not what I’m choosing, but I need to acknowledge that they’re there. They are very real and very mind consuming and very very very very very persistent. Essentially the entire month of August my brain has looked something like this: It’s August, the “Sunday” of the summer, I need to spend as much precious time with my kids and family as possible, but wait! I also need to set up my classroom and plan my lessons because school is starting, and I can literally only teach about 10% of what I’m used to teaching in the way I’m used to teaching it. How can I teach music when I’m not allowed to sing?! But, my family (obviously) takes priority, so let’s do something fun with them. Maybe we could even adventure somewhere. AHHH! It’s corona time! Why would I think to take them anywhere that’s not our house or our yard? Because it’s so life giving to spend some time in new scenery and you’re being safe, distancing, wearing a mask, etc… But then I come home and second guess every choice I’ve ever made in my life and guess what? My lessons still aren’t planned, but I don’t have time alone to work on it because Nick is working and sleeping when he’s not at work and when he’s awake I can get some work done, but then I’m missing on my kids playing and time with my husband and time together as a family, and I don’t want to miss out on that, but I can’t go into school unprepared because I literally don’t have an arsenal of “I need to fill 5 minutes, so let’s play this game” songs anymore because I can’t sing and we can’t touch each other, and everything needs to be sanitized and how many times a day will I have to say “please keep your mask on your face?” And then what happens if we go to online learning? How am I supposed to have Z and Vinny and myself all on different zoom calls at the same time and helping the boys with their school work and teaching classes and getting Sydney snacks because I’m still mom and Daddy is sleeping because he still has to work. And what about Christmas? There’s no way we can have people over or go anywhere because it’s also flu season and corona and probably wave 2 or will there not be a wave 2 because no one even cares to take this seriously enough, and am I even taking this seriously enough? I think so, but maybe not. And am I still going to be able to work out every day when I go back to school? What if I get sick? How will I quarantine? What if Nick gets sick? How will he quarantine? I don’t even want to think about the kids getting sick because that will spiral me into even more anxiety and and and and and and and…

I know. Be present. The past is gone and the future hasn’t happened yet. Stay in the fricken boat. But, wow…these waves are strong. The boat is rocking, and maybe I’d be better on my own. Maybe I could jump out and make it and save myself and my family.

Nope. No, I wouldn’t. That would not be a good idea.

And so, we circle around to the Bible study I just finished. We’re talking about Philippians, but there was a reflection passage that was titled “Midlife Crisis” so, of course, I read it because, even though I think I’m too young for a midlife crisis, maybe that’s (part of) what this is, and it brings me to this Bible verse: Proverbs 31:25 – She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

It’s a pretty popular phrase, one often seen on posters and quoted a lot, but, the reflection included these 4 extra words “…because she trusts God.” She can laugh/smile at the future because she trusts God. We talked a lot tonight about obedience, and how we need to be obedient to God’s word and God’s will for our lives. That just hit me and stuck.

I can smile and the future. I can laugh at the days to come. I am clothed in strength and dignity. Because I trust God. He will provide. He has already provided. Because I am here, my family is safe, my friends are safe. My life is beautiful and blessed. My anxiety is high, but He can also calm that. Because I trust God, I can and I WILL smile towards the future instead of wishing it away.

One day at a time. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. Be strong, trust God. I am clothed in strength and dignity; I can laugh at days to come because I trust God.

Heavy

2020 is a heavy year. To think back to January when things started out quite optimistically with talk of 2020 vision and this truly being our year. Wow, things have changed.

I love New Years Eve. It’s one of my favorite holidays. There’s something cleansing about starting a new calendar year. I know it’s just another day and things don’t really change unless you let them, but still… it’s always been one of my favorite holidays. Something about counting down to midnight, the abundance of hope, and joy. And this year we rang in the new year with some very dear friends – the kids all played (and stayed up until midnight!) with their friends as well. What I wouldn’t give to go back to that time.

This week has been extra heavy for me, and it’s only Wednesday. Continue reading “Heavy”

Get Back in the Boat

Matthew 8:23-27

Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”

He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”

Jesus calms the waters.  He can.  He will.  He does.  Our job?  Stay in the boat.  It’s so tempting right now to jump out and try to save ourselves, to swim away, to nearly drown because it feels like we’re in control.  Continue reading “Get Back in the Boat”

Raise Those Kids Right

Last night was a rough night for Mommy and Vinny.  I’ve been off all summer, and just started back to work this week with inservices and meetings which means that the kids were back to the babysitter.  Well, if you remember, we are living in my parents’ house while we fix up our new house and sell our old one, so we had to switch Vincent’s babysitter right about the time when he turned 2.  It’s better, but it’s still a hard transition for the little man.  And “hard transition” equals not napping or eating and becoming a train wreck the entire night.  I know he’ll figure it out once we get back into the swing of things, but last night he was up at 12:30 and came into Mommy’s bed for the rest of the night.  (Not a practice I make a habit of…in fact, this was the first time he’s spent the entire night in our bed, but I digress…)  So, needless to say, Mommy didn’t get a great night’s sleep, and I don’t think Vinny did either.

When Sydney got up to eat around 6:30ish, I was looking at my phone, checking my emails and texts, and, of course, browsing Facebook.  Well, if you are friends with me in real life, or on Facebook (or both!) you probably saw a status I had posted asking for prayers and positivity as I went back to school and didn’t get to spend 24/7 with my kiddos.  I got so many beautiful comments telling me basically what I already knew (but still needed to hear) it IS possible to be a good employee AND a good mother.  I saw that someone else commented on that status (a person I haven’t seen or spoken to in over 10 years) and this is what she wrote, “You wanted kids so badly, and now you want to leave them?  WHY??? You should stay at home and raise those kids right.” Continue reading “Raise Those Kids Right”

My Conscious Choice

I made a choice today. Well, I made a lot of choices today, some better than others, but I digress. I made a choice to stop drinking alcohol for at least as long as I continue to breastfeed Sydney. I realize a lot of women make this choice, and there’s really nothing profound about me doing it too, but I find writing about it (and writing in general) to be therapeutic, especially if I have an audience that I’m writing to. Continue reading “My Conscious Choice”

How DID you get pregnant???

I realize that I touched on, but never really went into detail on how I went from having a 1% chance of conceiving to giving birth to a beautiful baby girl. Don’t worry, this isn’t a birds and the bees ‘how babies are made’ blog, this is a blog about acupuncture. Continue reading “How DID you get pregnant???”

Holy Moly, It’s Whole 30

Post-pregnancy I turned to food as a coping mechanism. Especially when trying to live through PUPPPS and my failed attempts at breastfeeding. In those weeks and months following Keely’s birth instead of eating right and shedding pregnancy weight I packed on the pounds. In the last almost two years I’ve created habits and food addictions that are neither healthy nor sustainable.

Continue reading “Holy Moly, It’s Whole 30”

Life’s Little (or big) Stresses

If anyone ever tells you that it’s a good idea to have a 9 year old, a toddler, and a newborn while trying to sell your house, fix up a new house, and take over your parents basement, they’re lying to you. It’s not a good idea. Not at all. Continue reading “Life’s Little (or big) Stresses”

My daughter’s birth story

So, finding time to write a blog entry with a newborn and a toddler and a 9 year old is difficult. Who knew? I’m taking middle of the night feedings to put together this blog, so bear with me if it doesn’t flow as nicely as others I’ve written.
As Bridgette said, baby Cotton Blossom, now known as Sydney, has arrived! She’s beautiful, and life is certainly different but definitely richer. Here is Sydney’s birth story: Continue reading “My daughter’s birth story”

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