Yesterday was my due date for the baby I miscarried. Yesterday I could’ve been in the hospital holding a screaming baby in my arms, and today Vincent and Z could be meeting their newest brother or sister. But I didn’t feel sad, and I don’t feel sad. I didn’t feel much of anything except an acknowledgement of the day, and I continued on with my life. Continue reading “Due Date”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this phrase – before, during, and after our adoption process. And, although it happens, it couldn’t be further from the truth.
I can’t be the only woman in the world who is terrified of being pregnant, right? Please tell me there are more of you out there and that I’m not alone.
Last night I had a terrible time falling asleep. I was nauseous, (I could only stomach 4 pieces of toast and some strawberries for dinner) but my lower back also really hurt. Logically I can figure out that it’s probably because I was on my feet quite a bit Wednesday and Thursday between all of the end of the school year stuff going on, but it’s still unnerving when the three main symptoms of miscarriage are bleeding, cramping, and lower back pain. Continue reading “Why is Pregnancy so Scary?”
I haven’t posted much lately about my miscarriage. My life has been going on as normal, but it’s not like I’ve forgotten. There is no possible scenario where I could forget or 100% heal. I just choose (for my own happiness and well being) not to dwell 24/7 on something so sad when I have wonderful things happening every day right in front of my eyes.
I was able to put into words how being a mom, specifically an adoptive mom, helped me cope with my miscarriage. Please read the article linked below.
This is an angry post filled with hate and foul language directed at my infertility. If you don’t like that or don’t think I’m capable of such profanities, please don’t read any further. I will not justify or apologize for what I wrote. It’s a very honest representation about how I’m currently feeling. And I know I just posted an article about being humble, and I’m turning right around and posting this very negative, pessimistic article, so feel free to call me a big, fat hypocrite if that makes you feel better or if you feel I deserve it. I can handle it. These are the type of emotional mood swings that infertility can cause you to have. You’ve been warned if you choose to read on.
It’s not pretty.
My mom read my blog about being scared to adopt again. This isn’t news, she’s my mom, my biggest supporter, and she reads everything that I write. But she said to me, “Honey, if you want to adopt again, go for it. Leave it in God’s hands and He’ll take care of it.” Normally, I’d take this advice, but instead I spat back at her, “I left everything in God’s hands, and He let me get pregnant only to have it end in miscarriage. So I’m not sure how much leaving another adoption in His hands is going to work out for me.” She replied with, “That isn’t fair to say.” To which I said, “I don’t care. That’s how I feel right now.”
I’ve always wanted four kids. That’s not a secret. Husband and I had unofficially decided on three and a half…counting Z as the “half”. Not that he’s half of a child, but that he’s with us half of the time… When I found out about my infertility, the plan of 4 kids takes a drastically different turn. There’s no longer the question of “how many kids?” there’s only the question of, “will there ever be ANY kids?” Continue reading “Why I’m Scared to Adopt Again”
Musings of my first week back to work…
Monday, January 11
I go back to work tomorrow. I don’t want to. I’m not ready, but I’m afraid I’ll never be ready. I’m afraid that when I go back everything will be the same. I’m afraid that when I go back nothing will be the same. I’m afraid I won’t have the same enthusiasm I normally have while teaching. I’m afraid of the questions I’ll have to answer. I’m afraid of the questions that won’t be asked. Continue reading “Back to Work”