I can’t be the only woman in the world who is terrified of being pregnant, right? Please tell me there are more of you out there and that I’m not alone.
Last night I had a terrible time falling asleep. I was nauseous, (I could only stomach 4 pieces of toast and some strawberries for dinner) but my lower back also really hurt. Logically I can figure out that it’s probably because I was on my feet quite a bit Wednesday and Thursday between all of the end of the school year stuff going on, but it’s still unnerving when the three main symptoms of miscarriage are bleeding, cramping, and lower back pain.
With my previous miscarriage I didn’t have any lower back pain. I hardly had any pain at all before the actual event, but I did have lots of spotting. I spotted every day for about two weeks. With this pregnancy, I (knock on wood) haven’t had any spotting (praise God!!) but I have had more pain/discomfort. When I mentioned feeling pressure in my abdomen, my doctor didn’t seem very concerned. In fact, he told me that even if I had cramping that would be ok and normal. It was the bleeding he was especially concerned with, but as long as I didn’t have bleeding, pain and pressure and cramping were ok things to be feeling.
Now, I should know better than to google my symptoms (my good friend and coworker told me I’d probably find I had something wrong with my prostate if I did that!!) but, of course, last night I went to google “lower back pain, early pregnancy.” You come back with a gamut of information, some helpful, most not. Basically, like most things in early pregnancy, it could be 100% perfectly normal or it could be a sign that something’s wrong.
Since I’m still nauseous, my breast are still tender, I haven’t had any bleeding, and I still feel pregnant, I’m just taking this as a physical reminder that my baby and my body are growing and changing.
But last night I couldn’t stop crying, and I couldn’t help but wonder if I can do this. If I’m strong enough to carry a child full term. If I’m a good enough mom to be a step mom, an adoptive mom, and a bio mom. If I’m patient enough. If I have enough love to give. If I was even meant to be a mother.
How do you get through 9 months of pregnancy without driving yourself out of your mind with worry? I worry with everything I feel that seems new or off. I worry with everything I was feeling that I don’t anymore. I worry if I’m not nauseous for one second of the day. I worry with everything. I know I need to step back, take a breath, pray, and leave it in God’s hands, but it’s just so hard. I’m so scared I’m not good enough. That I’m not going to be good enough. That I lost the baby the last time because I wasn’t ever supposed to have kids. That I don’t even deserve to be Vincent’s mom or Z’s step mom.
I know deep down that none of that is true. I know this, so don’t worry about me (trust me, I do it enough on my own.) And I also know that pregnancy hormones are crazy and I’m sure are adding to my already crazy anxiety ridden self. But if you could pray for me (or send me good vibes, positive energy, etc. if praying’s not your thing) and continue to pray for my baby’s health and my health. But also could you pray that I feel peace that I am enough, just as I am.