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Betrothed Babies Blog

Sometimes about babies, sometimes about us, always cathartic

Author

bridgyxpotato

Proud Cleveland transplant attempting to be a cool mom | Early-2000s rock music enthusiast | on Instagram as @bridgyxpotato

Every year. 

As night falls over my minute backyard I sit here bawling. Silent and giant tears. Tears of panic and misery. Tears that feel indulgent and necessary.

Every year, just as I think I’m going to get through another April without the overwhelming pain of losing a parent too young, it hits me. Some years it takes until April 30, and some years, this one included, it hits a bit early.

I know it’s in large part because of the book I’m reading.

[spoiler ahead–but not one you wouldn’t know early on]

I loved Liane Moriarty’s Big Little Lies (and the subsequent HBO series by the same name), so as soon as completing that one I jumped into her The Husband’s Secret. I’ve had a harder time getting into it, but as nicer weather and the ability of reading outside became a reality, I slowly got into it between Keely’s bedtime and my own. I’m nearing the end and the pain of the characters have become my own. As one character mourns the premature loss of her daughter, I think of my own.

But I don’t give way to thoughts of losing Keely at a young age. That’s self-indulgent and too painful. I’ve pushed them as far away as possible. I have no experience in that. It’s unfathomable. It’s a construct of my imagination.

I do have experience in losing my dad at 13.   That is something real to me. It was 15 years ago, but the the pain can still be so completely tortuous at times. Even more so as I project that onto Keely and Derek.

I don’t know or have a reference point for losing your spouse. I only have the loss of a parent. That combined with a parent’s love, makes it so much worse than I ever thought. I take solice in the fact that Keely will never know the hardships I went through as an adolescent…but the reality is I don’t know that for a fact. What if something traumatic does happen to Derek? What if it happens to both of us? What can I say or do that makes it not hurt for her the way it did for me?

As dark has completely fallen on me and my thoughts (and fingers) have run free, I feel a bit better and a bit ridiculous. It is my deepest hope that Keely doesn’t experience losing a parent too young. I want to be jealous that her dad was there for high school, graduations, college, and getting married. I want to always be jealous of the very real bond the two of them share. It’s the good kind of jealous. I feel this jealousy constantly, but when I put it in the context of Keely, it feels right. It feels like what, as a mother, I should feel.

Week 4 and Change: It’s done!

I’ve been putting off writing this blog for some reason. I think in many ways I felt that by writing the blog it was putting an end to the entire experience. That as if by writing this blog it was really, truly over. Then, when I had finished this post, I kept putting off posting it.

And part of me doesn’t want it to be over. Continue reading “Week 4 and Change: It’s done!”

Whole30 Week 3: The Beginning of the End

We have now completed three weeks of Whole30. Twenty-one days gone and only nine remain. In my mind, we’re almost done. In Derek’s mind we’re not done until we hit Wednesday because we won’t be still doing Whole30 the following Wednesday. I can see his point, however, it really feels like it’s the beginning of the end. Continue reading “Whole30 Week 3: The Beginning of the End”

Whole30 Week 2: It’s not as exciting as week one

The second week of Whole30 felt a lot less monumental in so many ways. The newness of the situation had worn off, but we have still stuck by the plan…as far we knew…I found out yesterday that Derek hadn’t checked the beef broth we’d been using the last two weeks for a stew. Of course there was sugar in it. Friends, that’s why it’s so important to read labels, on Whole30 or not. Lesson learned, but we are not starting over. If we were strict Whole30-ers, we would.

Continue reading “Whole30 Week 2: It’s not as exciting as week one”

A Whole Week of Whole30…and the Super Bowl

Imagine it’s the biggest football game of the year, a day where millions of people are pigging out on burgers, nachos, pretzels, beer, chicken wings, and pizza…and you can’t have any of it.

That’s what it’s like being on Whole30 during the Super Bowl LI (am I allowed to say that…should I just be saying Big Game…probably…too bad). Continue reading “A Whole Week of Whole30…and the Super Bowl”

Holy Moly, It’s Whole 30

Post-pregnancy I turned to food as a coping mechanism. Especially when trying to live through PUPPPS and my failed attempts at breastfeeding. In those weeks and months following Keely’s birth instead of eating right and shedding pregnancy weight I packed on the pounds. In the last almost two years I’ve created habits and food addictions that are neither healthy nor sustainable.

Continue reading “Holy Moly, It’s Whole 30”

Cotton Blossom has arrived

I’m stealing Ryann’s thunder here. But I know there are people out there in the world following her journey from infertility, adoption, miscarriage, and her pregnancy. I thought I’d give a brief update: after a stubborn streak, CB is here. Mom and baby are beautiful and resting. Together, they’re getting to know their family of five. It’s beyond amazing and I am so happy for her and all the family.

Love you, Ryann! I can’t wait to meet her and love on her.

 

Instant Relaxation

It’s tough sometimes to find the time to truly relax as a parent. You have to get rid of more stress with less time. It’s also tough sometimes when as a mom, you’re relegated to a more quiet night when maybe an eventful night was more desired.

A few Fridays ago I was feeling the need to do something, but I didn’t feel the desire to craft or binge watch TV. As I grow my hair out this time, I want to take better care of it, so earlier that week I had been reviewing some uses for coconut oil.

Continue reading “Instant Relaxation”

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow the world will change. We will either have the first female president or a habitual businessman turned politician. Don’t worry, this isn’t a political post. I won’t be saying who I am voting for and why. In fact, I actually hate talking about politics when it has the potential to cause an argument (which is different than a debate). This blog is no place for that conversation. 

That being said, this election has brought up a lot of what it means to be a woman in today’s society and furthermore, a mother to a daughter. 

Continue reading “Tomorrow.”

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