Today, 14 years ago was the worst day of my life. And for once I’m not exaggerating for effect. Fourteen years ago, after being coma for 15 days, my dad passed away. I was thirteen and expectedly devastated.

My life changed so drastically that moment. I would probably be a totally different person if it weren’t for this tragedy. The essence would be the same, but certain tweaks to my personality were necessary to survive.

This day is tough every year. Some years are better than others. Two years ago I was at a low point in my life and I barely made it through the day without breaking down and crying at my job. Last year wasn’t too bad. I was exhausted from being a new mom and upset that my dad was missing out on knowing his granddaughter, but it was also the first day we got to meet Vincent (thank you, Timehop, for that beautiful reminder).

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Vinny and Keely’s first meeting one year ago. They were so tiny!

This year wasn’t bad. It wasn’t great either. It’s been a wonderfully busy day celebrated some kiddos (unborn and born). I was distracted for so much of it. However, as the day has progressed the normal anxiety associated with the day has settled in and I’m having a hard time shaking it.

I’m not miserable. I’m not inconsolable. I’m just blah. On a normal day I can usually shake the blahness, but when it settles in on April 30th, I never can. Tomorrow will come and because they day doesn’t have the same negative memories it will be better. I will be happier and what is bugging me today might not be as important. Or, at the very least I’ll be able to cope better.

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But today, today I will be sad. Sad that I miss my dad. Sad that my dad is not going to know Keely. Sad that it has been so long since I’ve seen my dad. I had come to terms with the fact that my dad wasn’t there for my graduations or to get married. It was a lot harder to come to terms with the fact that he will be someone that Keely will only ever know in pictures. She’ll know stories about him, but she’ll never actually know him. It’s not an event I can just get through, but something that surfaces every so often.

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Maybe Keely does look a little like me. I always say she looks more like Derek and his mom. 

Before Keely was born April was an awful month. In addition to my dad passing away in April, my maternal grandmother passed away in April. It was a month I used to hate. I had a few fits of anxiety that Keely was due in April and that was a bad omen. Now April isn’t so hated, it’s just the individual days that are hard to handle.

Today I will be sad. Tomorrow I will work on being happy and shaking my ennui.

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