Yesterday was my due date for the baby I miscarried. Yesterday I could’ve been in the hospital holding a screaming baby in my arms, and today Vincent and Z could be meeting their newest brother or sister. But I didn’t feel sad, and I don’t feel sad. I didn’t feel much of anything except an acknowledgement of the day, and I continued on with my life.
Maybe it’s because I’m pregnant that I wasn’t as devastated as I thought I’d be, but I’m not entirely sure that’s it. This baby doesn’t make up for the loss of a child. This baby is a completely different being. Maybe it’s because I really can’t imagine having Vincent, an almost 16 month old ball of pure energy, and a newborn to raise. (Although I am still scared of having two kids under age two – I really think a few extra months of Vincent maturing will help tremendously when having a newborn.) Maybe it’s simply that I’ve dealt with my grief and found a way to move on. Found a way to remember and honor my angel baby without letting the experience stop me from continuing to live my life and be happy.
I don’t know exactly what it is, but I do know I wanted to write something about the day, and I want to let anyone experiencing grief to know it’s ok. However you feel about a situation is ok. Don’t let society or other people tell you how to feel – if you want to be sad, do it. If you feel ok, that’s great, and even if you feel happy allow yourself to feel those emotions. Grief doesn’t have a timetable, and it can wax and wane. Let yourself have emotions, but don’t let them steal all of the joy from your life. Let yourself grieve however you need to, but still continue to be a productive member of society. And know that however you feel is ok.
I’ll never forget the short life of that child, but I also know I can’t constantly allow myself to be sad because I have so much in my life worth living for. I suppose I’ve found a way to remember without allowing the grief to consume me. And who knows? Something may be a trigger that takes me back to that awful day, but if/when that day comes I’ll deal with it. Because that’s just what I have to do.