After the second episode, I’m liking this series even less. It plays out like a suspense novel, but it still isn’t revealing much of anything to go on. I guess maybe that’s the point…so we feel like we’re with Clay, listening to the tapes and wondering how he fits in. Or wondering why everyone seems so on edge. Or wondering why Hannah even made these tapes in the first place. Continue reading “13 Reasons Why – Tape 1, Side B”
My latest from Adoption.com – check it out if you’re a sucker for good quotes like I am!
As night falls over my minute backyard I sit here bawling. Silent and giant tears. Tears of panic and misery. Tears that feel indulgent and necessary.
Every year, just as I think I’m going to get through another April without the overwhelming pain of losing a parent too young, it hits me. Some years it takes until April 30, and some years, this one included, it hits a bit early.
I know it’s in large part because of the book I’m reading.
[spoiler ahead–but not one you wouldn’t know early on]
I loved Liane Moriarty’s Big Little Lies (and the subsequent HBO series by the same name), so as soon as completing that one I jumped into her The Husband’s Secret. I’ve had a harder time getting into it, but as nicer weather and the ability of reading outside became a reality, I slowly got into it between Keely’s bedtime and my own. I’m nearing the end and the pain of the characters have become my own. As one character mourns the premature loss of her daughter, I think of my own.
But I don’t give way to thoughts of losing Keely at a young age. That’s self-indulgent and too painful. I’ve pushed them as far away as possible. I have no experience in that. It’s unfathomable. It’s a construct of my imagination.
I do have experience in losing my dad at 13. That is something real to me. It was 15 years ago, but the the pain can still be so completely tortuous at times. Even more so as I project that onto Keely and Derek.
I don’t know or have a reference point for losing your spouse. I only have the loss of a parent. That combined with a parent’s love, makes it so much worse than I ever thought. I take solice in the fact that Keely will never know the hardships I went through as an adolescent…but the reality is I don’t know that for a fact. What if something traumatic does happen to Derek? What if it happens to both of us? What can I say or do that makes it not hurt for her the way it did for me?
As dark has completely fallen on me and my thoughts (and fingers) have run free, I feel a bit better and a bit ridiculous. It is my deepest hope that Keely doesn’t experience losing a parent too young. I want to be jealous that her dad was there for high school, graduations, college, and getting married. I want to always be jealous of the very real bond the two of them share. It’s the good kind of jealous. I feel this jealousy constantly, but when I put it in the context of Keely, it feels right. It feels like what, as a mother, I should feel.
I had heard some horror stories about giving birth. Many women don’t get the labor/birthing experience they want because of any number of factors…the hospital wants to speed things up, the doctors are pushing an epidural, c sections happen instead of natural births… The list goes on and has been different for different people. My birth plan was fairly simple – I wanted a natural delivery. I wasn’t sure about the epidural/any type of pain medication. And I wanted to be able to walk around.
You know who helped me stick with my birth plan? My labor and delivery nurse Lori. Continue reading “Never Underestimate the Power of a Good Nurse”
Being away from your kids is hard. This isn’t news to anyone who is a parent. This probably also isn’t news to anyone who is not a parent either. But what they don’t tell you is that instead of getting easier with every child, it gets harder. And not just harder relative to the number of kids you have. No. It gets exponentially harder with each child.
I go back to work tomorrow, and I’m pretty sure I’ve cried every day this past week whenever I’ve thought about it. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my job, and I love where I work. It’s a supportive, positive atmosphere where I truly believe the staff really cares for one another. And you can’t have a much better job then making music with kids every day. Except for being a mom. Continue reading “The End of Maternity Leave”
Before Vinny’s adoption was finalized, once a month we would have a social worker come out to our house to make sure everything was going ok. She talked to Husband and I together and separately. She also talked to Z separately when he was there. One of the questions she always asked was, ‘How’s bonding with the baby going?’ And I always responded that it was going very well, but I didn’t quite get what she was asking. Did I love the baby? Absolutely. Did I want to keep him? YES! Did he feel like my son even though I didn’t give birth to him? 100%. So, sure, I was bonding just fine.
Now that I’ve been pregnant and given birth, I think I understand the question a bit better. Bonding and love are not mutually exclusive. They are both important when raising children, but they don’t necessarily happen at the same time, and that ok. Continue reading “The Difference Between Bonding and Love”
I made a choice today. Well, I made a lot of choices today, some better than others, but I digress. I made a choice to stop drinking alcohol for at least as long as I continue to breastfeed Sydney. I realize a lot of women make this choice, and there’s really nothing profound about me doing it too, but I find writing about it (and writing in general) to be therapeutic, especially if I have an audience that I’m writing to. Continue reading “My Conscious Choice”
My latest Adoption.com article – I think the title sums it up. Basically, it’s about not judging anyone for their choices about how they choose to grow their family. Check out the link below: