Heavy

2020 is a heavy year. To think back to January when things started out quite optimistically with talk of 2020 vision and this truly being our year. Wow, things have changed.

I love New Years Eve. It’s one of my favorite holidays. There’s something cleansing about starting a new calendar year. I know it’s just another day and things don’t really change unless you let them, but still… it’s always been one of my favorite holidays. Something about counting down to midnight, the abundance of hope, and joy. And this year we rang in the new year with some very dear friends – the kids all played (and stayed up until midnight!) with their friends as well. What I wouldn’t give to go back to that time.

This week has been extra heavy for me, and it’s only Wednesday.

Jesus is Not a Souffle

So, it’s Easter which is, arguably, the most joyful day of the church year.  Sure, Christmas is great, but there’s something wonderful about going through the suffering of Lent for 40 days, recounting Jesus’ passion and death, and then getting to sing “Alleluia!” again because Jesus has risen.  It’s always been one of my favorite holidays because of the insane amount of joy that comes with it.

Joy.  I’m really struggling with finding my own joy today.

Smile

I remember when I was 26 and going through a terrible break up, at a job I hated, and generally feeling like maybe life wasn’t supposed to work out the way I wanted it to.  Or that I wasn’t supposed to be happy…like, maybe this is just how life is.  I was talking to someone, and I kept asking why?  Why is this happening to me?  Why am I feeling this way?  Why, why, why?  He told me, “You can’t ask ‘why’ because you won’t always get an answer.  The question you need to be asking is ‘what now?'”

Rainbows

So, it’s officially been one week since I’ve left my house.  I mean, I’ve gone outside, but I haven’t left my yard or neighborhood.  This is the way of the world now.  This is our new normal.  Shelter in place.  Stay at home.  It’s an order.  It’s a law.  It’s for the good of everyone.  It can and will save lives.

But it also can last a long time and probably will last longer than anyone who is not well versed in the study of pandemics imagines.  I’m trying to wrap my brain around the fact that this will most likely not be “weeks” that we’re talking about but “months”…I don’t even want to speculate “years” because that’s getting way ahead of myself.  Look, I don’t know.  I’m a music teacher who reads the news and listens to Governor DeWine and Dr. Amy Acton (a fricken rock star, I tell you) so I know no more than the average person.  I’m just writing because it’s giving me something to do, somewhere to put my thoughts, an outlet when all else seems lost. 

Get Back in the Boat

Matthew 8:23-27

Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”

He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”

Jesus calms the waters.  He can.  He will.  He does.  Our job?  Stay in the boat.  It’s so tempting right now to jump out and try to save ourselves, to swim away, to nearly drown because it feels like we’re in control. 

State of the Family

So, I promised a “state of the family” blog post, and here it is – so soon after my last one.  Could it be I’m actually going to be able to write more?

Anyway, as my kids get older, I struggle with telling their stories.  How much should I write?  What should I say?  What’s appropriate for me to share verses what’s theirs to share?  I think I’ll keep this blog for my feelings, and, while yes, many of my feelings revolve around being a mom, I’m not blogging anonymously, so I won’t share anything I wouldn’t share publicly anyway or without my kid’s knowledge and consent.

The short is, our family is good.  We’re all in a fairly good place right now.  We have hit some type of “status quo” with 3 kids, and we’re managing along day to day.  There are ups and downs, but nothing earth shattering.  And maybe that’s ok.

Vinny and Sydney love and fight as only siblings 20 months apart can do.  It seems that at least once a day they’re teaming together scheming against Husband and I, telling each other they are best friends, and also “never ever ever playing” with each other again.  So, typical, right?  I hope they remain this close.  I hope they realize that adoption and biology don’t mean much when it comes to their love for and relationship with each other.

Z is 12.  If you know anyone who is 12 or you remember being 12, you know that three word sentence says more than most soliloquies.  I have a lot more that I could say, but I’ll just leave it at that…

A short update, but good to be writing again.

 

 

Change Our Hearts

Well, it’s been over a year since I’ve used this blog to write.  Needless to say, having three kids, a full time job, and trying to maintain some sort of social life takes it’s toll.  (Also, no one naps anymore…naps were the best time I had to write.)  I’d really like to get into writing more – I think maybe I’ll try to incorporate that into my daily routine.  You know, along with parenting, being a wife, a teacher, exercising, cooking, trying to have time with friends, trying to have time to myself…something is always lacking, something is always getting less time and attention.  And, I suppose if it was going to be something, writing is the most expendable, but man, is it therapeutic to sit here and be typing this right now.  However, that’s not the purpose of this post…I’ll do a “state of the family” post later, but this post is about changing my heart, specifically during this season of Lent.

Stressed is Desserts Spelled Backwards

Disclaimer:  This post has nothing to do with desserts.  Sorry.

I read an article called Mothers are Drowning in Stress, and I felt so many emotions about it.  I even started crying while reading it.

Let me back up a bit – I’ve been fortunate enough to be home with my kids for the past 2 weeks as Vinny has been recovering from an adenotonsillectomy.

As a teacher, I know we have a certain amount of paid days off (personal/sick/whatever) per year, but I always try not to use them since we have built in vacations and days off into the school year.

Everything is Worse at Night

I have a manageable, but terrible, generalized anxiety disorder. I’ve written about it before. It’s not a secret nor is it something I’m ashamed of, but it’s something I wish I didn’t have to deal with. My biggest anxiety triggers: my kids not sleeping and my kids being sick. Unfortunately for me, many times these come as a double whammy. Tonight (or this morning depending on who you talk to since it’s currently 2:30 am as I write this) is no exception.

My husband has been sick with some ‘tummy troubles’ the past couple of days. We take this term from one of Vinny’s favorite books, Dragons Love Tacos. And while (to Vinny’s slight disappointment) no one burned down anything because of tummy troubles, it’s not been a pleasant experience.

Last night, we celebrated my Grandma’s 90th birthday. Just went out to dinner – nothing fancy. We’re having a big party for her over Labor Day weekend. So, the little kids and I joined for dinner. Z is with his mom, and Husband had to sleep since he went back to work today (or yesterday – again, it’s late…or early).  Well, Miss Sydney fell asleep on the way home – which is *usually* great because I’d already changed her diaper and her clothes and then I could just lay her down and she’ll sleep all night.  Wheee!  Except, when I went to get her out of the carseat, it smelled terrible.  Moms, you know the smell.  And as I’m doing a quick inventory of her and her clothes and her carseat, I see the unmistakable liquid poop stain covering half of her shirt.  Oh great.