Well, it’s been over a year since I’ve used this blog to write. Needless to say, having three kids, a full time job, and trying to maintain some sort of social life takes it’s toll. (Also, no one naps anymore…naps were the best time I had to write.) I’d really like to get into writing more – I think maybe I’ll try to incorporate that into my daily routine. You know, along with parenting, being a wife, a teacher, exercising, cooking, trying to have time with friends, trying to have time to myself…something is always lacking, something is always getting less time and attention. And, I suppose if it was going to be something, writing is the most expendable, but man, is it therapeutic to sit here and be typing this right now. However, that’s not the purpose of this post…I’ll do a “state of the family” post later, but this post is about changing my heart, specifically during this season of Lent.
I went to daily Mass today. That’s not unusual. Actually, typically every Friday we go to daily Mass as a school. I’m playing the piano and leading the choir, helping make sure Mass is a smooth, beautiful experience for everyone attending. This week, we had our school Mass on Wednesday since it was Ash Wednesday, so I had some time free in my morning today to attend daily Mass. Just me. No choir, no kids, no distractions. It’s been awhile since I’ve been to Mass as solely a member of the congregation, and it’s been years since I’ve been to Mass by myself without my children or family. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a HUGE supporter of kids in church, but after 4 days of both kids (and consequently me) being up all night, I needed Mass this morning to be quiet, introspective, and peaceful. And it was. It was just what I needed.
With a congregation of maybe 25 people, I was able to just focus and refocus my heart. That’s my goal for Lent, to truly have my heart changed. For many reasons, some of which are not my stories to publicly share, and many of which are plastered over the news, I have been slightly disenchanted with the Catholic church recently. For several months, maybe years now, I feel like I’ve been struggling with my faith. My faith used to be so grounded and so alive, but it’s been shaken. And I realize that I’m letting my issues with man become issues with Jesus and my faith. I’ve been pulling away from God because I’m angry at what man has been doing. I guess recognizing it is the first step to doing something about it. And that’s really why I went to Mass today.
I’m taking this Lent to really focus on my prayer and faith life. I need to forgive. I need healing. I need to get back into a right relationship with God and Jesus. I want my kids to have strong faith, and I feel hypocritical right now talking to them about faith because my heart is not in the right place.
So, what am I going to do to get it back? To truly have my heart be changed and unhardened? I’m starting with prayer. I grabbed my little black book of Lent today, and I plan on spending just a few minutes each day in prayer. And maybe that’s all I do, but it’s something intentional I am doing to strengthen my faith, and that has to be a good start. I need my heart to be changed, and Lent is a good time to begin.
Will this solve all of my issues I have with the church? Probably not, but I’m hoping and praying with my intentional actions during Lent that it will change my heart, bring me back to a good relationship with God and Jesus, help me better lead my kids and family in faith, and get me back to a positive mental space.