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Betrothed Babies Blog

Sometimes about babies, sometimes about us, always cathartic

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anxiety

My Covid Journey – Day 10

Here’s what people don’t get about Covid – the mental toll it takes on you. Sure, the majority of people survive. Sure, the majority of people get mild symptoms. Sure, the majority of people have been sicker with something else then with Covid.

But, since March, the world literally changed before our eyes. My kids know terms like “pandemic” and “social distance”. Schools closed. Businesses closed. Churches closed. Everything stopped.

Now, I will admit, when my kids or I get sick, my anxiety is triggered. I know kids get sick, but it causes me great anxiety when they do. However, most often when you get sick, you rest, take care of yourself, deep clean the house if you’re me, and in a few days when you feel better you go back about your life. Pre-pandemic that’s just what you did. And, ok. Even with knowing about that extra anxiety, I was never especially concerned about germs or crowds or anything like that. I’m an extrovert – I thrive when being around people.

Now, I feel like that’s all changed. This past year has changed me, and I don’t know how or if I will ever get back to where I once was…

Like I said in my last blog, I’m not the type to say “I have the antibodies, let’s party!” I still think there’s something irresponsible about that. Maybe because I’m a rule follower. Maybe because there is inherently something irresponsible about that. Maybe there’s not. I don’t know, but living through this year has made me question a lot of things I would’ve just taken for granted previously.

And being quarantined for most of January has not helped my mental state. Yes, going places is good for your mental health, but at what cost? I want to go places, and maybe now is safer than before because I do have the antibodies and, at least for awhile, I can’t spread or contract Covid, but there is still that anxiety about going anywhere. What is with the risk? It seems like nothing really. Nothing is worth the risk, which I know isn’t true, but I feel like I don’t know how to judge that anymore.

I honestly don’t know when I’ll be comfortable again going to the theatre or even a baseball game. I don’t know when I’ll be comfortable having larger groups of friends over my house. Right now, I want to take zero risks because yes, I survived and yes, I had mild symptoms, and yes, my kids still don’t have any symptoms, the mental toll is rocking me.

I know we can’t live in fear. I understand that, but what do you do when everything seems wrong in your brain? I’ve said that during this pandemic, there have been times of no right choices, you just have to figure out what the least awful choice at the time is and do that.

Maybe this is all me, but after having Covid, and seeing my quarantine time just keep on being extended, I am appalled that there are still people out there not taking this seriously. Sometimes I just want to scream, “stop being so selfish!”

People need to live their lives, and I can only control what I can control. I get it. I really do, but think about how great it would be if everyone was able to take a step back from their own lives and really think about someone else for a change. Maybe we’d all be a little bit kinder and a little less judgmental.

My Covid Journey – Day 9

First of all, thank you to everyone for the outpouring of love, prayers, help, and support. This virus is so isolating in many ways, but it also does show that the world really is good, despite all of the chaos.

You feel like such a pariah or a leper. Just…unclean and like you’re a terrible person, even though I’ve been so worried about Covid that every risk I’ve taken has been only within my bubble, and my hands are raw I wash them so often, religiously masking, and literally, I don’t go anywhere besides work. But I know, the virus is out there, it’s unforgiving, and it doesn’t care what steps you’ve been taking. It can still reach you. I know. It’s just… sometimes it takes its toll.

So, updates – my symptoms have significantly lessened. Physically, I’m still feeling some extreme fatigue (Covid and pregnancy fatigue combined…yikes) and my senses of taste and smell are basically gone, although, I’ve noticed that sometimes it comes back in random spurts. I’m still masking in front of the kids, but I will most likely loosen that tonight since Nick goes back to work, and I will be sole parent overnight.

Speaking of the kids, thankfully Z has tested negative. Praise God. Unfortunately, both Vinny and Sydney tested positive. Ugh. But, good news, they both have been completely symptom free this entire time. As a matter of fact, we only got them tested just so we would know. I’ve kept my mask on as just an extra precaution while I still have some, very mild, symptoms.

But, with their positive test comes extra quarantine time – not too much extra since there is some overlap, but, barring anything extreme, January 26 is the day we will be allowed to “get out of jail free” as it were. So, my prayer request is simple this time – that my symptoms continue to get better and that the kids (and Nick who also tested negative and somehow had the antibodies when he donated blood in December) do not develop any symptoms so our quarantine can really be over on January 26.

Now, I’ve heard of people going on vacation or just sort of thinking they can do whatever they want because they survived Covid and have antibodies, but that’s not my personality. As a matter of fact, the mental toll Covid takes is heavy today, and even when we’re allowed back into the world, I will continue to do so with caution. Because, a lot is still unknown about Covid, and if I can continue to do my part to stop the spread, I’m going to keep doing that.

Despite being isolated, we have gotten outside to play in the snow. I’ve walked a bit, but it does wear me out, and I am still overwhelmed by the generosity of everyone. I am grateful and appreciative and so so so so so so blessed.

Thank you, all. I know we’re not quite out of the woods yet, but I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

She is Clothed with Strength and Dignity

I just finished a wonderful Bible study meeting I began a few weeks ago as something to help me in my spiritual growth. I figure since I’ve been working very hard on my physical being, I should also make sure to work on my mental, emotional, and spiritual well being. To be well rounded and strong in all elements of my life. To be the best me I can be. To be intentionally trying and working on all elements of my human being. I’m trying. I’m really, really, really trying. But, I have been having some high anxiety days lately. I mean like days I haven’t had in years. Where all I want to do is crawl into a hole and hibernate. Quit life for awhile until the anxiety passes. Get rid of something. Sleep for 10 years…or at least until Covid is over.

I told Nick that I wanted to be 8 or 108, because then my anxiety would be gone. Or at least lessened. Because at 8, everyone else is worried for you and you’re just having fun, and at 108 you’re either dead and the anxiety is also gone, or you’ve lived a great, long life, and you don’t worry either.

Now, I recognize these are not viable options. They are not realistic. They are not helpful. They are not “being the best me”. And they’re also not what I’m choosing, but I need to acknowledge that they’re there. They are very real and very mind consuming and very very very very very persistent. Essentially the entire month of August my brain has looked something like this: It’s August, the “Sunday” of the summer, I need to spend as much precious time with my kids and family as possible, but wait! I also need to set up my classroom and plan my lessons because school is starting, and I can literally only teach about 10% of what I’m used to teaching in the way I’m used to teaching it. How can I teach music when I’m not allowed to sing?! But, my family (obviously) takes priority, so let’s do something fun with them. Maybe we could even adventure somewhere. AHHH! It’s corona time! Why would I think to take them anywhere that’s not our house or our yard? Because it’s so life giving to spend some time in new scenery and you’re being safe, distancing, wearing a mask, etc… But then I come home and second guess every choice I’ve ever made in my life and guess what? My lessons still aren’t planned, but I don’t have time alone to work on it because Nick is working and sleeping when he’s not at work and when he’s awake I can get some work done, but then I’m missing on my kids playing and time with my husband and time together as a family, and I don’t want to miss out on that, but I can’t go into school unprepared because I literally don’t have an arsenal of “I need to fill 5 minutes, so let’s play this game” songs anymore because I can’t sing and we can’t touch each other, and everything needs to be sanitized and how many times a day will I have to say “please keep your mask on your face?” And then what happens if we go to online learning? How am I supposed to have Z and Vinny and myself all on different zoom calls at the same time and helping the boys with their school work and teaching classes and getting Sydney snacks because I’m still mom and Daddy is sleeping because he still has to work. And what about Christmas? There’s no way we can have people over or go anywhere because it’s also flu season and corona and probably wave 2 or will there not be a wave 2 because no one even cares to take this seriously enough, and am I even taking this seriously enough? I think so, but maybe not. And am I still going to be able to work out every day when I go back to school? What if I get sick? How will I quarantine? What if Nick gets sick? How will he quarantine? I don’t even want to think about the kids getting sick because that will spiral me into even more anxiety and and and and and and and…

I know. Be present. The past is gone and the future hasn’t happened yet. Stay in the fricken boat. But, wow…these waves are strong. The boat is rocking, and maybe I’d be better on my own. Maybe I could jump out and make it and save myself and my family.

Nope. No, I wouldn’t. That would not be a good idea.

And so, we circle around to the Bible study I just finished. We’re talking about Philippians, but there was a reflection passage that was titled “Midlife Crisis” so, of course, I read it because, even though I think I’m too young for a midlife crisis, maybe that’s (part of) what this is, and it brings me to this Bible verse: Proverbs 31:25 – She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

It’s a pretty popular phrase, one often seen on posters and quoted a lot, but, the reflection included these 4 extra words “…because she trusts God.” She can laugh/smile at the future because she trusts God. We talked a lot tonight about obedience, and how we need to be obedient to God’s word and God’s will for our lives. That just hit me and stuck.

I can smile and the future. I can laugh at the days to come. I am clothed in strength and dignity. Because I trust God. He will provide. He has already provided. Because I am here, my family is safe, my friends are safe. My life is beautiful and blessed. My anxiety is high, but He can also calm that. Because I trust God, I can and I WILL smile towards the future instead of wishing it away.

One day at a time. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. Be strong, trust God. I am clothed in strength and dignity; I can laugh at days to come because I trust God.

Heavy

2020 is a heavy year. To think back to January when things started out quite optimistically with talk of 2020 vision and this truly being our year. Wow, things have changed.

I love New Years Eve. It’s one of my favorite holidays. There’s something cleansing about starting a new calendar year. I know it’s just another day and things don’t really change unless you let them, but still… it’s always been one of my favorite holidays. Something about counting down to midnight, the abundance of hope, and joy. And this year we rang in the new year with some very dear friends – the kids all played (and stayed up until midnight!) with their friends as well. What I wouldn’t give to go back to that time.

This week has been extra heavy for me, and it’s only Wednesday. Continue reading “Heavy”

Rainbows

So, it’s officially been one week since I’ve left my house.  I mean, I’ve gone outside, but I haven’t left my yard or neighborhood.  This is the way of the world now.  This is our new normal.  Shelter in place.  Stay at home.  It’s an order.  It’s a law.  It’s for the good of everyone.  It can and will save lives.

But it also can last a long time and probably will last longer than anyone who is not well versed in the study of pandemics imagines.  I’m trying to wrap my brain around the fact that this will most likely not be “weeks” that we’re talking about but “months”…I don’t even want to speculate “years” because that’s getting way ahead of myself.  Look, I don’t know.  I’m a music teacher who reads the news and listens to Governor DeWine and Dr. Amy Acton (a fricken rock star, I tell you) so I know no more than the average person.  I’m just writing because it’s giving me something to do, somewhere to put my thoughts, an outlet when all else seems lost.  Continue reading “Rainbows”

Get Back in the Boat

Matthew 8:23-27

Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”

He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”

Jesus calms the waters.  He can.  He will.  He does.  Our job?  Stay in the boat.  It’s so tempting right now to jump out and try to save ourselves, to swim away, to nearly drown because it feels like we’re in control.  Continue reading “Get Back in the Boat”

Everything is Worse at Night

I have a manageable, but terrible, generalized anxiety disorder. I’ve written about it before. It’s not a secret nor is it something I’m ashamed of, but it’s something I wish I didn’t have to deal with. My biggest anxiety triggers: my kids not sleeping and my kids being sick. Unfortunately for me, many times these come as a double whammy. Tonight (or this morning depending on who you talk to since it’s currently 2:30 am as I write this) is no exception.

My husband has been sick with some ‘tummy troubles’ the past couple of days. We take this term from one of Vinny’s favorite books, Dragons Love Tacos. And while (to Vinny’s slight disappointment) no one burned down anything because of tummy troubles, it’s not been a pleasant experience.

Last night, we celebrated my Grandma’s 90th birthday. Just went out to dinner – nothing fancy. We’re having a big party for her over Labor Day weekend. So, the little kids and I joined for dinner. Z is with his mom, and Husband had to sleep since he went back to work today (or yesterday – again, it’s late…or early).  Well, Miss Sydney fell asleep on the way home – which is *usually* great because I’d already changed her diaper and her clothes and then I could just lay her down and she’ll sleep all night.  Wheee!  Except, when I went to get her out of the carseat, it smelled terrible.  Moms, you know the smell.  And as I’m doing a quick inventory of her and her clothes and her carseat, I see the unmistakable liquid poop stain covering half of her shirt.  Oh great. Continue reading “Everything is Worse at Night”

Hail Mary, Full of Grace

For the past few months, I’ve been saying silent decades of the rosary when laying my kids to sleep. I figure it’s as good of a time as any, and it really helps me focus and stay calm instead of letting my anxiety spiral out of control because WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS SLEEPING YET? Continue reading “Hail Mary, Full of Grace”

This HAS to stop (but for real now)

Bridgette wrote a post in October of 2015 titled This HAS to stop.  It’s now February of 2018, and guess what?  It hasn’t stopped.  In fact, it’s kept going.  And the result – more kids are dead and nothing is being done. Continue reading “This HAS to stop (but for real now)”

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