Being away from your kids is hard. This isn’t news to anyone who is a parent. This probably also isn’t news to anyone who is not a parent either. But what they don’t tell you is that instead of getting easier with every child, it gets harder. And not just harder relative to the number of kids you have. No. It gets exponentially harder with each child.

I go back to work tomorrow, and I’m pretty sure I’ve cried every day this past week whenever I’ve thought about it. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my job, and I love where I work. It’s a supportive, positive atmosphere where I truly believe the staff really cares for one another. And you can’t have a much better job then making music with kids every day. Except for being a mom.

I’ve written about this before, but truly, the one thing I have wanted more than anything in the world is to be a mom, and I love it. I have enjoyed every moment of my maternity leave. (Even the anxiety filled moments where I was sure there was no way in the world I could possibly be a mom to a toddler and a newborn.)

And I know that some days the kids will be with a babysitter, but other days they’ll be with my husband. However, it doesn’t matter because they’re not with ME. I love that my identity is ‘Mom.’ I won’t claim to love or appreciate my kids any more than people who can easily have children, but there is something different about going through the journey of infertility, adoption, miscarriage, and pregnancy. I KNOW how lucky I am to have both of my kids. I am blessed beyond belief, and I never want to take that for granted. Maybe that’s a reason I’m happiest being with my kids 24/7, or maybe it’s just how I’m built. Who knows?

So, my consolation for going back to work is this: I have 3 days then it’s spring break (good planning, right?) and then it’s only 6 weeks until summer vacation. I can do this. I hope.