File this under the ‘be careful what you wish for’ category.

Today, I am 40 weeks pregnant. Today is my due date. And today I feel I am no closer to meeting this baby than I was three weeks ago.

To preface, I know I’m blessed and I know I’m lucky and I 100% do not take this baby or pregnancy for granted. So please don’t take this blog as anything less than a super stressed out, very pregnant woman sharing some real thoughts that I’m sure are not specific to me. 

I have approximately 0 signs of labor right now. A couple of weeks ago I had contractions (probably Braxton Hicks) that were close enough to time but not close enough to call the doctor or come in. It seems like after that I’ve had nothing. Nothing that would indicate to me that labor is on the way. I guess labor can start at any time with little to no warning, but I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this fact. I’ve been 2 cm dilated and 75% effaced for 3 weeks now, so clearly that means nothing as well.

I’m uncomfortable, not sleeping, my hands, feet, and ankles are so swollen that they randomly fall asleep and they hurt.  There’s no position I can stay in for any period of time that is comfortable. I have no energy to do anything.

Emotionally, it’s worse. I go from raging bitch to irrationally annoyed to spontaneously sobbing in a matter of minutes. I love this baby girl, but I’m starting to resent her for making me so crazy. She’s supposed to be here by now, so why isn’t she?

Please don’t tell me to enjoy this time when she’s still inside. I know what life with a newborn is like, and I’ll take that sleep deprivation over pregnancy sleep deprivation any day. I want my body to be mine again. I want to feel like myself and not a huge cow. I want to have energy again to play with Vinny or, at the very least, be able to roll over in bed without feeling like I just ran a marathon.

And then there’s the issue of – I might have to go back to work. If she’s not here by Wednesday, I’m going back to work because I don’t want to start my leave until she comes. I feel like I’d be wasting days if I took time off while still being pregnant. But what am I supposed to do for 3 days of classes? I’m not going to start any new units with the classes. I’d much rather my sub start the units in the way it makes sense for her to teach them. So I have to find mini lessons or activities that will work for a 40 minute period. And I can do it. It’s not really as big of a deal as I’m making it out to be, but that’s the thing right now – everything is a bigger deal than it actually might be because I’m 40 weeks pregnant and have no idea when I’ll deliver a baby.

I don’t want to hear ‘she’ll come when she’s ready’ or ‘be patient’ or ‘it’s normal for first time pregnancies to go late’ or really anything. I want to hear ‘you’re in labor, go to the hospital’. Anything short of that won’t be comforting.

And I know I said before I would take the good, bad, and ugly about being pregnant because infertility sucks. It’s still true. I’m still taking it. It’s just a lot harder than I ever thought it would be.

Today is my due date. She’s supposed to be here today. Like my brother said, ‘it’s not like a movie release, Ryann’ which I know. But I’m just ready. I’m anxious. I’m getting slightly depressed. And I need her to be an outside baby.

I’m not ok, but I’ll be fine.