Pregnancy is harder than the adoption wait. I’ve officially decided. Pregnancy is the hardest way to have a child.

This doesn’t take anything away from the agony of the adoption wait. I did it. I know how hard it is. But I also know if do it again if I had to. Because it’s worth it. Because Vincent is 100% worth every bit of worry and disappointment and getting your hopes up that comes with the adoption wait.

But pregnancy is hard. There’s other way to say it. And I was woefully naive as to think it would be a piece of cake. I used to look at pregnant women and think, ‘They’re so happy. They look beautiful and everything looks so effortless and easy.’  And it was something I’ve wanted so badly-to be a mom. To bear children. I knew I could do whatever it took and never once complain. People who complained about being pregnant were ungrateful and didn’t truly appreciate the miracle their bodies could accomplish.

I’m eating my words. Sort of. 

I do not enjoy being pregnant. The first trimester was rough. I was constantly nauseous and vomiting several times a week. I needed to eat, but everything I wanted to eat made me sick. Not eating also made me sick. And then there’s the constant fear of miscarriage. But, thankfully for me, since I had an RE, I got ultrasounds with every visit during the first trimester.  So, the 2-3 weeks between visits was pure hell, but I knew when I went I would get to see my little baby.

There’s also the random pain-back, stomach, wherever. What’s normal and what’s not? What’s too much? Should I call the doctor? Should I worry?

Worry. Anxiety. Terror. Those are the worst parts of being pregnant. I have an anxiety disorder, and I take medication for it. But it’s one of those, ‘it’s probably OK to take during pregnancy, but there’s not been enough tests on it, sooooo….’ I decided to take myself off of it for the duration of my pregnancy. Better safe than sorry – I’d never forgive myself if something went wrong. Anyway, far worse than any physical pain or discomfort of being pregnant is the mental toll it takes on you. My anxiety is bad, but well controlled.  Without the medicine and with the extra pregnancy hormones it’s downright debilitating at times.

My brain immediately goes to worst case scenarios and ‘what ifs.’ I don’t even want to give them power by writing them in this blog. I just wish I could rid myself of them completely. I’m also not one for wishing my life away, but I do wish it was January. I don’t know how I’m going to make it until then without going completely crazy.

Take for instance this morning. I was freaking out because I ate a hamburger the night before that was probably pinker than pregnancy suggests you eat. I threw up early this morning, and have felt weird all day. I’m sure the burger had little to do with the weird feeling and the anxiety is fueling all of my yuckiness. I called the on call doctor, texted a friend, and my cousin (who are both doctors). The summary of their advice was: You’re fine, as long as you stay hydrated and are not throwing up all day, you’re good. Don’t worry.

Don’t worry. It’s like telling me not to breathe.

Acupuncture helps with anxiety, and I plan on going to prenatal yoga (starting tomorrow) so I’m hopeful that will help as well. I need to get my brain into a positive place. I need to fill it with positive thoughts. I also pray which helps as well. But I need it to be consistent. And I need to make sure that I constantly have a stream of positivity flowing through my brain.

So, the adoption wait was excruciating. I felt like we might never be parents. But with this pregnancy, I feel a different type of anxiety because I’m in charge of my body but in control of very little when it comes to baby Cotton Blossom growing and developing.

I came across this short prayer/meditation several years ago I’d use whenever I felt too anxious or like things were getting out of control:

I take the gift of peace of mind and self-control
and make it mine.
I believe in faith God is in charge of my life.

I think I need to start repeating that over and over as my mantra for the next 5ish months and hopefully things will start to get easier.