I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this phrase – before, during, and after our adoption process. And, although it happens, it couldn’t be further from the truth.
Before we adopted Vincent, adoption wasn’t high on my radar. It was on there, but it wasn’t the number one way I thought I would build my family. Unless you are directly affected by adoption growing up, I would venture to guess it’s not most people’s number one way they thought they would grow their family either. And before you get all up in arms, by NO MEANS am I saying because I didn’t think of adoption first means that I don’t put my son first or that somehow he will be less important than the baby I am currently carrying. If anyone even thinks that, they should examine their own conscience and not mine because I love BOTH Z and Vincent as much as, or even more so, than if I gave birth to them myself. Love is a choice and not an obligation. I choose to love my kids everyday, regardless of how they came into my life.
When Husband and I first started discussing adoption as an option and talking to other people about it, they would all say things like, “You know, once you adopt you’ll get pregnant.” Or, “My sister/neighbor/friend/coworker adopted and then they got pregnant. The same thing will happen to you.” I sort of dismissed these statements beforehand because I couldn’t think about getting pregnant. Being pregnant wasn’t something my body could do, and therefore, I wanted support about starting the adoption process, not people telling me that I would be pregnant if I started.
Husband and I promised each other one year of focusing strictly on adoption as the way to grow our family. We weren’t going to actively try anything to become pregnant, and I’d actually come to terms with never being pregnant, and I was honestly ok with it. Still people would say make these insensitive comments about becoming pregnant after we adopted. I would get mad – I’m sorry, do you know my diagnosis? Do you know that three different doctors have given me a 1% chance of conceiving on my own? Are you an expert fertility specialist that knows something that all of the doctors I’ve seen don’t? Have you read up on premature ovarian failure? Or any type of ovarian function? What makes you so sure that I’m going to get pregnant? If it’s only the fact that we’re going through the adoption process then please take your comments elsewhere, I don’t need them.
So, it happened. I adopted and got pregnant. Twice. The first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, the second one is continuing quite nicely (as far as I know…). And people now feel more inclined to tell me that everyone they know who has adopted has ended up pregnant. I’m much nicer about it now (outwardly and inside my head because I know people mean well) but listen, it’s not the norm. Yes it happens, and we probably think it happens more often than it actually does because what are the stories you hear? You hear the stories of the people who have adopted and gotten pregnant. That’s like 1% of people who adopt. What you don’t hear is the 99% of the population who adopts kids and doesn’t end up pregnant. The people that live their lives with their kids and are parents without ever physically giving birth. So while it is a blessing and a miracle that I am pregnant, it is just as much (if not more) of a blessing and a miracle that I am Vincent’s mom and Z’s step mom. I am proud to be a step mom, proud to be an adoptive mom, and proud to be a soon to be bio mom. But mostly, I’m just blessed to have my kids and to be a mom – no other prefix necessary.