I’m officially past the point where I miscarried in my last pregnancy. This was a big mental block for me in this pregnancy. I needed to make it past 8 weeks 3 days with relatively few complications, and I did it.
I had my doctor’s appointment today, and he said everything is looking good. I heard a strong heartbeat which made me cry, and I measured at 9 weeks instead of 8 weeks 4 days which I don’t think really means anything right now – especially since one of my friends told me that my due date will constantly change based on how I’m measuring. I suppose it’s not an exact science, although it’s pretty amazing that a tiny being growing inside of my body has it’s own distinct heartbeat. And that I can hear it.
When the appointment was over I assumed I’d feel a rush of relief. Hearing the heartbeat, seeing the baby, knowing that everything was progressing as it should… But I’m still scared. And I don’t know what’s going to make me feel less scared…except holding a screaming, happy baby in my arms.
I think I’m mostly scared because I was told my body can’t do this. My body can’t get pregnant. But it did. And I am. And I heard a heartbeat. I believe in miracles, but I never imagined one would actually happen to me.
For those of you who don’t personally know my husband, let me preface with he tends to live in a utopia world where there are no problems and you don’t really need to ever worry about anything. Most of the time I love his optimistic nature, but I wish he would understand better why I’m still scared. We left the appointment, and he just didn’t get why I wasn’t dancing a jig in the elevator. He told me I should be thrilled that we heard the heartbeat and that the doctor said everything is going well. And I am. I am thrilled. But I’m also scared. And I wish he would acknowledge that this fear I’m feeling is a real emotion, and I’ll probably be feeling it throughout the rest of my pregnancy until I deliver. (PS – Nothing I’ve written here about my husband isn’t something I’ve already said to him, so please don’t think I’m just venting on this blog.)
I’m glad he’s happy. I wish I could be that happy without a care in the world, but I worry. It’s what I do. It’s one of the many ways we balance each other out.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. They are being felt, and this baby is thriving on all of the love it’s being given. Please continue to pray. And pray for my husband, Vinny, and Z too. Z is already such an amazing big brother – I wish you all could see the sheer joy on Vinny’s face whenever he looks at his brother. Nothing makes me happier than watching the two of them in action. I can’t wait to see how Z will step up to the plate even more with another little sibling, and Vinny is already such a people person that I can’t wait to see him bond with his new sibling. He’s got so much love to give that I know he’ll be such a good brother and friend to his baby sibling.
But I’ve got about 7 months of worry before that happens.