(I’m writing this immediately following the event, but posting it in the morning.)

I just did a bad, decadent, and very selfish thing.

It all started earlier this evening when I opened videos from the last year in reverse chronological order. I watched videos of her learning to walk, crawl, roll over, play, dance, wiggle, and just plain sleep. It’s amazing to see how much she has changed in the last year, especially in the last few months. I am so grateful we have the technology that allows me to experience those moments on demand. I can’t say I miss all of it, but I would love to just pop back in time for a brief second and pop back to the ever changing present.

This leads to about an hour ago. As I started getting ready for bed I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had to hold her. I had go in her room and just snuggle her.

So I did.

It wasn’t because she was crying or needed me. Quite the opposite: I needed her. I needed to hold her in my arms and just be with her.

Occasionally she’ll snuggle and nap on me on a lazy Saturday or Sunday (see feature photo), but it’s rare and I usually need to do something in that moment she falls asleep. I love her energy during the day, but there is just something so calming about a sleeping baby in your arms.

For about a half hour I just sat with her and thought. I thought about the last year. I thought about the next few days/weeks ahead. This wasn’t the racing, anxious thinking that sometimes comes at night. No, this was amazing, meditative, rejuvenating thinking. Any time an anxious thought started coming to mind, something just pushed it away or calmly dealt with it. It was amazing.

I could have stayed in that moment all night. And would have longer, but I could tell she started to not be sleeping as well. So with great reluctance I put her back into her crib and tip toed out.

It’s moments like these that I see why people safely co-sleep. I see the appeal. To have your little one so close and precious in those important moments is an attractive thought.

I feel a little guilty somewhat waking her up just to make myself feel better. I worry that she’s going to have a bad rest of the night because of what I did. I worry that I’ve started a bad habit. But in those moments it was all worth it.

This was an act of self-care. Self-care doesn’t have to be away from the baby. It’s whatever makes me feel better and isn’t harming anyone else. It was needed and right now I do not regret it whatsoever (feel free to ask me in the morning when this is posted).

I did a bad thing.

And I’ll do it again.

 

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