This is an angry post filled with hate and foul language directed at my infertility. If you don’t like that or don’t think I’m capable of such profanities, please don’t read any further. I will not justify or apologize for what I wrote. It’s a very honest representation about how I’m currently feeling. And I know I just posted an article about being humble, and I’m turning right around and posting this very negative, pessimistic article, so feel free to call me a big, fat hypocrite if that makes you feel better or if you feel I deserve it. I can handle it. These are the type of emotional mood swings that infertility can cause you to have. You’ve been warned if you choose to read on.
It’s not pretty.
I fucking hate my ovaries. I know it’s irrational to hate a part of your body, but I really could give two shits about these two worthless pieces of garbage that sit inside of me. What the hell is the point of even having them if they don’t do me any good? Seriously, what’s the biggest difference between men and women? Women can bear children. That’s it. Why then does someone think it’s funny to give me these ridiculous organs that do shit for me? I’m a failure as a woman because I can’t do THE ONE FUCKING THING ALL WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO.
Let me back up, so after the pregnancy/miscarriage, I’ve pretty much had a standing date at my RE’s office every Monday for bloodwork, ultrasounds, and consults (oh my!). Today I had a consult to reevaluate where my chances of getting pregnant stand, and guess what? They haven’t fucking changed. My AMH was slightly higher – .07 instead of .003, which it was the last time I had it tested, but anything under 1 is considered low, and my doctor told me I should be around 2 for my age and health. He gave me the same chances – 1-2% for conceiving naturally, 2-3% for IUI (artificial insemination), 7-8% for IVF, and 50-60% for donor egg. Well, damn it.
Now, there might be some of you out there thinking – ‘Hey, 50-60% is higher than a typical healthy woman who’s ovaries aren’t heaping piles of shittiness gets each month to get pregnant. Why don’t you do that?’ Well, donor egg is not an option. Really, any fertility treatment is not an option. Being Catholic and infertile is a touchy subject, and it’s very hard to reconcile and deal with in my brain. I’ve had many a conversation with God, and I know he sent me Vincent and for that I will be eternally grateful, but I still may never understand why I’m unable to get pregnant and carry the child full term on my own. In addition to going to my RE, I’ve also been seeing a doctor who specializes in NaPro technology – focusing on your cycle and giving you the specific hormones your body is not producing at specific times, and I’ve recently started acupuncture. But more on those later because I just really want to be pissed right now.
But even with these new developments, I’m still back to the beginning. Trying naturally to get pregnant. Trying naturally to beat that 1%. Again. And that just fucking sucks.