Is it wrong to still mourn my infertility as I sit and watch my son laugh and play in his exersaucer? Is it wrong to still feel a twinge (ok, sometimes more like an explosion) of jealousy when friends and family members announce their pregnancy to me? It is wrong to love adoption and be so happy to be a mom but still mourn the loss of the biological children I’ll never have?

I’m feeling conflicted today. One of my dear friends recently announced she was pregnant, and I am SO HAPPY for her. I’m not just saying that. I truly am. But, I’m also jealous. Why can’t I randomly have sex with my husband and find out a few weeks later that I’m pregnant? Why does it work for other people and not for me?

And I know. I know I wanted to be a mom, not necessarily wanted to be pregnant (although, most of the time, the two go hand in hand), and I am a mom. I can’t imagine my life without Vincent in it. I truly believe he was meant to be my son from before I even met Husband. And I’m happy! I love Vincent. I love my family. I love his birthparents. I love my life.

526b9bdb4aa3dc1f22651f6dcaeb6d7bSo why? Why still was I up at night sobbing because I found out happy news about a friend being pregnant? Why can’t I shake the feeling that it’s not fair? That somewhere, someone is raising a large middle finger my way and saying “ha ha ha, look at what all these other people get, and you can’t!” Why does it still bother me?

I don’t have the answers. I don’t really even have any deep insight. My only thought is that it’s a loss. A loss of a child I never had. A loss of a dream. A loss of a … plan? I’ve written about the feeling of loss when you’re diagnosed with infertility, but does it ever truly go away?

I can’t imagine how women who have had miscarriages must feel. While I’m mourning something more abstract, you had a life inside of you. You were pregnant. And then you weren’t. In some ways, I feel like I’m dealing with the lesser of two evils. To be so close and then lose it all would probably be more devastating to me than to never have experienced what it’s like to be pregnant. But, I’ll never know. Or, I’ll probably never know. I guess you should never say never – I mean, 1% is still a chance, right?

I hate that my friends have to feel like they need to tell me first before making an announcement about being pregnant. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m very glad they do, I just hate that it’s even an issue.) I hate that when my friend told me, she looked me square in the eyes and said, “This should be you.” I hate that my bank account, not my body, will dictate when/if I have another child. I hate that there’s other people who feel the same way I feel. I hate that infertility is even something people have to deal with. I hate that life simply is not fair.

I always try to end my blogs on a positive note, but today it’s hard. So, let me reiterate again how happy I am that Vinny is my son, that Z is my stepson, and that Husband is my partner in this crazy journey of life. I’m so happy that Vincent will have another friend to grow up with, and I’m elated that I’ve got another beautiful mommy friend to share parenting experiences with. I’m crying through my smile, but honestly, I’m happy.