This is one of the hardest blogs I’ve sat down to write. If you know me, you know I’m not patient. (Anyone sensing a theme for the road to adoption blogs – Ryann is NOT patient.) And, quite honestly, I’ve tried to suppress those feelings I’ve had during the adoption wait since Vincent has come into our lives. So, digging them up right now to paint the picture with words of just how excruciatingly painful this wait can be is going to be hard, but I’ll do my best because I want to be as honest as possible.
I always imagined I’d feel like a mom as soon as I got pregnant. I’d be carrying life inside of me. I’d be taking care of it, protecting it, loving it from the moment I saw two pink lines on that stick. Then the infertility bomb hit and all of that was taken away from me. What is there left to do but wait. Wait to see what the doctors say. Wait to see if maybe (by some miracle) this month was going to be the month that we beat the odds and made that 1% chance. Wait to convince Husband that adoption was something we needed to look into NOW and not later. Wait while people tell you “as soon as you adopt you’re going to become pregnant”.
While the rest of the world is getting pregnant and having babies and showing off their beautiful families, I’m waiting to even begin mine.
It all felt like unproductive waiting. Nothing was happening. We weren’t making any strides toward creating a family of our own. We were just waiting.
Then the homestudy started and, like I wrote about in the last blog, that whole process took about 6 months. While it was slightly more productive waiting, it was still waiting. Waiting for our meetings. Waiting for all of the paperwork to get filled out and signed. Waiting until we could officially be put in the system.
But honestly, the “productive” waiting is the worst. Once you’re in the system, it is awful. You don’t control the amount of emails you’re sent. You don’t control whether the birthmother chooses to meet with you. You don’t control anything. And I don’t like when I’m not in control.
The process sort of goes like this:
- An email is sent to you with information about a birthmother and her child. Medical info, drug/alcohol use, their living situation, info about birthfather (if known), info about the baby, what they’re looking for in a potential adoptive family, openness, due date, etc. It’s enough information for the adoptive family to make a decision of whether they’d like their profile book/letter shown to the birthfamily.
- Once you decide, then you adjust your letter to say “Dear ‘Birthmother’s name’” instead of “Dear Birthmother” and you can talk specifically about what the family requested.
- You have about a week to send your letter/response in to the social worker. (more waiting)
- Then the birthmother has as much time as she wants/needs to choose a family (or multiple families) to meet with.
- Then you find out whether or not you’ve been chosen.
- If you haven’t, you go back to the beginning and start the process all over again until you are chosen.
I would obsessively check my email during this period – hoping, praying, wishing beyond all wishing that there’d be something from the adoption agency.
When you finally get that email your heart leaps out of your chest – this could be it! This could be the email that makes me a mom.
Until then…you wait.