I did it. I survived Vincent’s first day at the sitter’s. Of course he was totally fine, and I was never really worried that he wouldn’t be. I was more worried about me. About leaving him and going back to work. About not seeing him for 8 hours straight. About my attachment issues. About whether or not we’d bonded enough in the almost 4 months he’s been on this earth. About the adoption. About so many other things that seem insignificant to blog about but are probably what many moms are thinking.
Our sitter is wonderful. She’s fairly new to babysitting but is so excited about starting. Right now, Vinny is her only kid she’s watching, but eventually she’s hoping to have 2-3, which would be great once Vinny gets older. When we interviewed potential sitters from www.care.com (which I highly recommend if you can’t get a recommendation from a family member or friend – we had great success finding many wonderful people to potentially watch our son!) our sitter was the only one who asked to hold Vin during the interview. She’s raised three kids, the youngest just graduated high school and her oldest is 24 (?) and lives in Cincinnati. She’s patient, loving, and certainly happy to be watching children. She wrote down everything he did during the day – play, nap, eat, diaper change, etc, and she even baked cookies and gave us some. That’s a win in my book!
My biggest worry was more about me. Would I be able to handle not seeing him for 8 hours? Would I be able to concentrate at work? Would I be secure enough in my motherhood to know that all of the time I’ve spent with him has been quality bonding time, and that it’s ok for me to go back to work?
Thankfully I love my job as an elementary music teacher, and I’m so excited for the upcoming school year, so it makes it slightly easier to focus on what I need to be doing for work. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about Vincent every minute of every day, but thinking about him and worrying about him require two very different sets of emotions. And, like many people have said, being away from him makes the time spent with him that much more precious. Which is true. I just wish I could have that time with him all of the time.
This is where I get super torn. Like I said, I really do love my job. I basically get to sing, dance, and play instruments with kids all day long – what’s not to love, right? But, my time with my son is…well, there’s nothing I’d rather do. I can’t compare it to anything because it’s my most favorite time ever. I know going back to work is the right choice for us financially and, though I hate to admit it, probably personally as well. I mean, kids grow up. Being a parent is the only relationship where you grow apart and independent from one another, and that’s supported and encouraged. So, I need to have my job. I need to have my life, and my friends, and my hobbies. I know this. But I need my family most of all.
This turned into much more than the light “I survived Vin’s first day at the babysitter’s” blog post that I had intended it to be, but it’s made me feel mostly better… Now it’s off to cry because tomorrow will be day 2 of work meetings and day 2 of Vinny at the sitter. I’ve heard it gets easier, but not yet.